Masculinity is a word we rarely hear men use. It’s mostly researchers, commentators, or media personalities who throw it around. Most men are just trying to live their lives. Few are stopping to theorize about what being a man even means.
But we’re all swimming in a story that has shaped us. A story that tells men who we should be — and tells women what to expect from us. A story that began long ago, when men left the home to work, and something essential went missing from both sides.
We have outgrown the narrative that masculinity is toxic. But no real replacement has taken root.
After 30 years of sitting in men’s groups every week, I can tell you: a new model is being born. Quietly. Relationally. One man, one group at a time. And it’s not just transforming men; it’s changing how we show up with our partners, our kids, and ourselves.
This work doesn’t start with blame. It starts with the question:
There’s a quiet ache beneath the shouting.
Men feel it. Women feel it.
But no one is quite sure where to put it.
We have been told:
But what if the real issue is what we were trained to believe?
What if we have all been conditioned — by schools, media, religion, and even by well-meaning professionals — to relate in ways that cut us off from our bodies, our truth, and each other?
A lot of men have done their best to get it “right.” They learned the language. Empathy. Consent. Vulnerability. They did the therapy, read the books, listened to the podcasts.
And yet… many still feel ashamed, shut down, confused, or quietly alone.
They are told to open up, but punished if they get it wrong. They are told that masculinity is broken, but are given no clear path to grow into something else.
So they look for solutions, diving into work. Into podcasts. Into plant medicine. Or into silence.
Richard Reeves, in Of Boys and Men, says it clearly: “The problem isn’t that boys have too much privilege. It’s that they have too little guidance.”
We don’t just need more awareness.
We need a new path to mature.
Women have shouldered the emotional labor of this culture for decades. They have led the way in healing, growth, and relational awareness.
But they’re tired. Tired of trying to connect with men who can’t — or won’t — meet them halfway.
As Abigail Shrier wrote in Bad Therapy, we trained women to become emotional experts. Meanwhile, we pathologized or dismissed men for showing up differently.
“We didn’t make men more connected. We made them more fragile. And we left women doing the work for both.”
It’s not working. For anyone.
This isn’t men vs. women.
It’s not masculinity vs. femininity.
It’s all of us vs. the chronic stress, disconnection, and division we inherited.
We have been conditioned to be at odds. Fed a story that keeps us reactive, ashamed, and isolated.
But under all that?
There’s still the body.
Still breath.
Still the chance to rebuild.
Still the possibility of something better.
We don’t need to change sides. We need to change strategies.
We need spaces — not just for venting, but for transforming.
Not just to feel safe, but to become strong.
Not just to talk, but to practice a new way of being.
What if men could be initiated into leadership rooted in presence, not performance?
What if women could finally rest, because they are not holding the entire emotional weight alone?
What if healing was not about being right, but about being real?
You’re not broken.
You were trained in a system that forgot how to connect.
The future won’t be shaped by who wins the argument.
It will be shaped by who is willing to grow together.
If you have felt the cracks beneath the culture war — if you have sensed that something deeper is missing – you are not alone.
There is a new way forward. Rooted in the body. Held in real community.
Oriented not toward dogma, but toward discovery.
The healing of men is not the end of women’s progress. It is the beginning of something we have never fully seen: A culture where we all get to come home.
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