PRIME Retreat: Feb 19-22, Joshua Tree, CA: Learn More
Tuesday, December 9th @ 7pm ET / 4pm PT
You felt it before you had words for it.
Maybe it was the way he paused before answering. Or how she reached for your hand without the usual hesitation. Something in the air between you — different breath, different rhythm, like the frequency changed but neither of you announced it.
One of you went somewhere. A retreat. Men’s group. Therapy that finally landed. And you came back… softer? More there? It’s hard to name.
Now you’re both standing in the space between the old pattern and whatever comes next.
Sometimes it feels like relief. Other times it feels like testing — is this real? Are you faking? Will you disappear on me again? That tension isn’t a sign you’re doing it wrong. It’s your systems figuring out whether they can trust this new signal.
I’ve seen this hundreds of times. One person changes, often more than they expected, in ways they couldn’t imagine. That change ripples into the relationship. And because neither of you has seen this exact version before, there’s confusion. Maybe unnecessary tension. A lot of “what now?”
If someone could lay out what’s happening in a clear, non-judgmental way, using simple tools, what feels stressful could deepen your connection.
That’s what this call is.
Couples where one (or both) did deep personal work and came home more present, now you’re both wondering how to meet this.
Anyone sensing the old pattern breaking and wanting practical tools, not another lecture on communication.
Partners asking: He changed. I’m glad. So why does it still feel hard?
Change starts in your body, not your mind.
Years of stress teach your nervous system to run hot — tight chest, shallow breath, that constant hum of vigilance. When that chronic load drops, your body starts signaling differently: slower breath, steadier gaze, warmer tone.
Your partner’s body reads those signals before conscious thought kicks in. That’s why things feel different even when no one’s announced anything.
But here’s the thing: when one nervous system shifts, the other has to recalibrate. You test each other—are you really here? Can I trust this? Those “prove it” moments are healthy. They’re attachment in action. With repetition, regulated reach met by warm response, trust rebuilds, fights de-escalate faster, and repair becomes automatic.
Right now, though? You’re in the turbulence. Your systems are learning a new dance.
A shared map so you both understand what’s changing and why it’s not personal failure. It’s system recalibration.
One 90-second reset you can use mid-fight when your throat tightens and words stop landing.
Clean expression that keeps you honest without triggering defense or blame.
A micro repair loop—five minutes, three times a week, that builds trust on purpose instead of waiting for it to appear magically.
How to anchor the gains so you don’t snap back to the old pattern when life gets hard again.
A PDF of what to do that goes beyond what was discussed on the call, and the science and skill behind co-creating a new relationship.
We keep this practical and humane. You choose how much you engage — full participation, quiet observer, somewhere in between.
This call is open only to people with experience in the work: some have been at it for years, others have just finished their first retreat. Everyone here knows what it’s like to change and wonder now what?
Physiology first: Lower stress load means your brain works better under pressure. You think clearer, connect faster. (This isn’t woo; decades of research on allostatic load and nervous system regulation back it.)
Safety cues—breath, voice, gaze—down-shift your defense system so connection becomes possible again. (Polyvagal Theory explains the mechanism.)
Repeated reach-and-response cycles improve relationship satisfaction. Attachment research and EFT meta-analyses support this.
Somatic work helps your body complete defensive activation that got stuck. The research is still growing, but the clinical evidence is strong.
“What if we’re not good at this feelings stuff?” This isn’t about performing vulnerability. We start with breath and body because that’s where change happens. Once your nervous system settles, words work again.
“What if I don’t want to share?” You don’t have to. You can practice the tools silently. Watch, try the reset, notice what shifts. Regulation spreads; when one person settles, the other’s system responds.
“What if he goes back to the old way?” Everyone slides under stress. The question isn’t perfection. It’s pattern. Do you repair faster over time? Do the slides get shorter? That’s how you know it’s working.
Owen Marcus leads the call, with support from people who’ve lived this — men and women who’ve navigated their own change and helped others through it.
This integrates decades of work: Somaware™ and ROC (body-first awareness and co-regulation), EFT’s reach-response framework, Polyvagal Theory, Esther Perel’s work, and practical skills that work at 11 PM when you’re exhausted and one of you just said the thing that always starts the fight.
Format: 75-minute live Zoom
Who should be there:
Both of you. This works best when you’re learning together, but if only one of you can attend, that’s OK.
What to bring:
Curiosity. A notebook. Willingness to try one short exercise.
What you’ll leave with:
A map you both understand. A reset you’ll actually remember. A repair practice you can do in five minutes. And the relief of knowing you’re not the only couple navigating this.
Let’s find a time that works.
